carlyisnot (carlyisnot) wrote in passion_perfect,
carlyisnot
carlyisnot
passion_perfect

  • Location:
  • Mood:
  • Music:

GL Fic: Salvation: Otalia: Chapter 3 & 4

Title: Salvation
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia and Natalia
Rating: PG for now
Disclaimer: Don’t own anything
Summary: You hate yourself because you can’t save Olivia. But you hate her more, because she won’t let you.
AN: We don’t get GL in Australia so I apologise for any inconsistencies in characters or storyline etc. I’ve altered some things to suit my plot. May be a little dark for some people’s tastes but I hope you enjoy. Set sometime after Frank and Natalia’s engagement, but before the wedding. A big thank you to everyone who has read and left comments :) Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1&2 http://carlyisnot.livejournal.com/10231.html 

Chapter 3

 

Chapter 3

Natalia

 

~Loving you is not a choice, It’s who I am.

(Stephen Sondheim)

 

You do as the officer tells you and climb the stairs to fetch Emma. Slowly. Each step you take you force yourself to try and think, what would Olivia have done?  Olivia wouldn’t stand by and let Emma be taken like this. You hated her all over again for leaving you like this. Leaving Emma. Didn’t she know how much you needed her? You despised her in that moment, and yet you prayed desperately that she would miraculously appear.

 

You’d been so foolish. How had you let this happen? Last month you had everything you ever wanted. And you’d taken it all for granted.  Your home, your family. A week ago you had Frank. The promise of a new life, a new family, a future. But you weren’t leaving Olivia and Emma behind. They would still be part of your life. It just seemed like it was the right thing to do. But you had messed everything up so completely, for Olivia and Emma, for Frank, for every last one of you.  

 

Emma had cried when she had realised you wouldn’t be living with her and Olivia anymore.

 

“What’s wrong Emma?” You asked

 

“I don’t want you to marry Frank.” She said.

 

Olivia interrupted “Honey, we talked about this. We want Natalia to be happy.”

 

“Why can’t she be happy with us?” Emma asked Olivia.

 

Olivia looked to you, her eyes silently asking the same question ‘ Well, Why can’t you be happy with us, Natalia?’

 

You wonder if this whole mess is God’s way of punishing you for hurting so many people.  You didn’t love Frank. Not the way he loved you. You had been lying to him, lying to yourself. And now he is gone too.  You’d tried to explain, to apologise. You never truly loved him. You tried hard to make it work, believing it was the right thing. Of course Frank had run. You don’t blame him for it. Or perhaps you just don’t care so much that he is gone.  But Olivia, that’s another story. You hate her for leaving you like this, for leaving Emma.  

 

Olivia is gone, Frank is gone, Emma is going. Panic fills you. You still have Rafe. Rafe needs you, you’ll get through this. And right now Emma needs you to be strong.

 

You find Emma quietly sitting on her bed, intently focused on something she was writing. Gone was the happy energetic kid you’d known. She was taking Olivia’s disappearance hard.

 

“What are you doing?” You ask as you sit beside her.  

 

“Writing a letter to mommy.” She answers.

 

 You try not to cry. Try to make it sound like things are going to be ok. You are lying to her, and she knows it.

 

“Emma, your Grandpa thought it would be fun if you stay with him for a little while.”

 

She shakes her head. “I don’t want to go.” She tells you calmly. Your realise she has complete faith in you. She trusts you that you won’t force her to go if she doesn’t want to. You stop for a moment, watching her. Waiting just a moment before you shatter that innocent trust forever.

 

 “Your grandpa would really like to spend some time with you. It would be kinda like a holiday.” You try to make it sound like fun. You know she won’t buy it.

 

She places her pen and paper down gently, and looks you in the eye. “You don’t want me to stay here with you?” She asks, looking suddenly so much older and wiser than her years.

 

“Of course I do Emma.” Your breath catches in your throat.

 

“Ok then.” She smiles at you, and turns back to her letter.

 

How could you tell her it was out of your hands? That you couldn’t protect her or keep her safe? That all your promises to her were meaningless? That she’d already lost Olivia and now she had to leave her home?

 

“Emma.” She won’t look at you anymore. She hears the fear in your voice. “I have to go away for a little while. To help your mom with something.”

 

“Can I come?” She asks without meeting your gaze.

 

“Not this time sweetheart.” You reach forward to stroke her hair, she pulls away from you.

 

“Mommy isn’t coming back, is she?”

 

“Of course she is.” You answer, but the words sounded false even to your own ears.

 

“You’re not coming back either.” Emma adds.

 

Your heart breaks for this little girl. The people in her life are vanishing one by one without reason. She can’t understand it and you are powerless to explain it.

 

“She didn’t say goodbye to me.”  Emma says so softly you almost don’t hear her.

 

She didn’t say goodbye to me either.’ You think, and then you remember the letter she left behind.  “That’s because she is coming home really soon.” You assure Emma, without stopping to wonder if it was right  to build up her hope like that?

 

“When can I come home?” She asks.

 

“Soon.” You answer. Another lie.

 

“I don’t want to go, don’t make me mommy.”  Her voice trembles as she pleads with you, and tears spill from her desperate eyes.

 

You can’t get used to her calling you ‘Mommy’. She never did it in front of Olivia. You felt like you should tell her not to call you that. Especially after you had become engaged to Frank, you were moving on with your life. But on some level you wanted to believe in this family that Emma believed in. You, Olivia, Emma. The farmhouse, the family, Emma and her ‘two mommies’. You wanted to believe in it badly. You wanted to live it. It was the reason you had finally broken the engagement with Frank. But it was too late. You realised finally that you were living that life, that family. It wasn’t just a child’s fantasy.  It was right there in your hands. It was yours. And you let it slip through your fingertips. 

 

You can’t bring yourself to answer Emma. And in the end you don’t have to. Rafe does it for you.

 

“Emma.” Rafe interrupts your conversation. “ She’s not your mom. She’s my mom.”

 

Emma looks up to him, the boy she considers her big brother, who had just shattered her world. You want to scold him for being so cruel. But you realise someone needed to be the bad guy, and better him than you. You couldn’t be the one to say it, to say ‘I’m not your mommy, this isn’t your family, your mommy is gone she isn’t coming back, and I can’t help you anymore because I’m not really your mommy.’

 

You reach towards Emma, wanting to pull her close and hold her tight. She flinches away from you, not letting you touch her.

 

“I hate you.”  She tells you icily, and you feel her freeze you out.

 

So much like her mother, you think to yourself.

 

You promise yourself two things right there and then. First, you are going to find Olivia. Maybe things happen for a reason. Without Emma, there is nothing holding you back. You could search to the ends of the earth. You know you might not like what you find. And even if Olivia is dead, you will find her, bring her home, lay her to rest. It’s the only way to find some sort of peace. The second thing you promise to yourself, is that no matter what happens with Olivia, you’re coming back for Emma.

 

“Emma, listen to me. I promise you. I’m going to go find your mommy. And I’ll bring her home. And when I do, I’ll come back and get you, and we’ll all be together again.” You desperately want to believe it yourself. You need to believe it.

.

You felt Rafe’s eyes burning into you “Don’t tell her that.” He whispers to you.

 

“Don’t bother, Natalia.” Emma adds coldly, and the venom in her voice as she utters your name chills you to the bone.

 

 

 

Chapter 4

Chapter 4-

Olivia

 

~‘I would live and I would die for you.’

‘Die for me? What kind of love is that?’

( Stephen Sondheim)~

 

 

It’s cold. You don’t know where you are. You don’t know why you’re here. You don’t know why he is looks at you like he wants to kill you. You don’t know why he doesn’t get it over with.

 

You close your eyes and think of Natalia.

 

Help me, Save me.’ You silently plead.

 

You hear the answer in your head, her voice exhausted, exasperated.  Save yourself, Olivia.’

 

It’s dark. You look around, trying to anchor yourself with a familiar landmark. You must recognise something. You must remember something. You cast your mind back, the past few days are so cloudy. How did you get here? How will you get out? You know there are things that happened you can’t remember. And somehow you realise that you don’t really want to remember that damage you caused.

 

You want so badly to close your eyes, to drift away to a warm safe place. You fight against it.  For Emma. Emma needs you to stay focused. To make it out of this. You try to picture her face before you, but it’s so fuzzy. You try to hear her voice, it’s so faint. Natalia had been right.

 

What kind of a mother are you anyway?

 

When you close your eyes, you see Emma. She is standing far away into the distance. You wave at her, beckoning her towards you.  She stands still, looking at you, almost as if she doesn’t even recognise you. Have you been gone that long? She sways in hesitation. She stares at you for the longest moment, then looks over her shoulder, to Natalia. Without a second glance in your direction she runs into Natalia’s arms. You want to call out. But you stop yourself. What have you really got to offer her?

 

Do you want your daughters to see you like this?

 

You recall a pathetic vision of yourself,  sprawled out on the bed, declaring you were going to die.  You look back at that person, wondering how she could have contemplated such a thing? How could she have felt so desperate, so much self loathing? How she could have turned her back on her life, on her daughter? You try to remember that crushing guilt and shame and hopelessness. But you can’t feel it anymore. You almost wish you did. Almost wish it was easier to let go.  Wish that you could be that girl again, and give up on everything. It would be so easy. But somehow it’s not so easy to let go of life this time, of love, of hope of dreams and promises.

 

You don’t understand that girl who wanted to die. You can’t relate to her anymore. And yet you envy her. Hope hurts so damn much. Fighting is hard, forgiveness is hard. Forgiving yourself the hardest thing of all. Climbing out of that black hole is almost impossible. That girl didn’t want to. But she did it. She was dragged out by someone who loved her.  Transformed into a whole new person. It had been worth it.  You try to remember that.

 

You’re tired, your head hurts, you ‘re alone, trapped, confused, and you want to close your eyes so badly. But there is something to hold onto. You tell yourself it’s worth it, surviving this is worth it, you are worth it. Just keep breathing, it will be ok.

 

There is a little girl who needs you. Where is she? What is she thinking? Is she missing you? There is a knot of fear in your stomach. That vile fear of not knowing where your daughter is, if she is safe. You remember Christmas. The fear that seized your heart when you realised she was gone. The way Natalia had asked you where you were, somehow accusing you of being responsible for Emma’s disappearance. The way you retaliated, reminding her that her own child was in prison. They way you had wounded her like always, somehow believing that the only way to protect yourself was to hurt her.

 

You would never forget the way Emma had told you

 

It feels like a real home, a real family

 

The thing Emma really meant was ‘You never gave me a real home, a real family, Mom.’

 

The look on Emma’s face when you agreed to stay at the farmhouse was priceless. Like all her Christmases had come at once. Simple, pure joy, Funny thing is, that you felt the way Emma looked. Felt like coming home. Felt like the only thing that mattered was your family- You, Natalia, Emma. And that’s all you needed to be happy.

 

Emma had been thrilled when she learned of Natalia and Frank’s engagement. Until it sank in that her family was going to be torn apart, that Natalia was making a new family with Frank, and you and Emma didn’t belong. The childish part of you wanted to join Emma as she had begged Natalia not to go. But you were more mature than that, more restrained. You look back at the damage you did out of rejection, regret. And you wondered if Emma had the right idea? If you simply should have said to Natalia ‘I don’t want you to do it, We are your family, don’t leave us, We love you, I love you.’  What was so scary about that? What did you have to lose?

 

You had never told Natalia that you had overheard the conversation she had with Emma last week.

 

 “Can I come live with you?” Your daughter innocently asked Natalia. 

 

“Emma..” Natalia had begun to protest. But she couldn’t hide the fact she was flattered by Emma’s request. You could see that Natalia wanted it as much as Emma did, wanted Emma to be her own.  It made you wonder if that was all Natalia had ever wanted? 

 

“You belong with your mommy.” Natalia had finally answered gently.

 

“But I have two mommies.”

 

Damn, so Natalia had been right. Again. You should have forced Emma to change that stupid presentation. Emma is your daughter, not Natalia’s. This ‘family’ wasn’t real. Just a stupid childish dream. You should have known better to believe in it. Obviously this ‘family’ meant little to Natalia.  She found herself a better family, with Frank. That was her choice to walk away. Fine. But she couldn’t have Emma too.

 

Natalia didn’t challenge Emma on this point. Didn’t say ‘I’m not your mommy Emma’. She did say “Don’t you think your mommy would be really sad if you didn’t live with her?”

 

“She probably wouldn’t notice, she’s at work all the time.” Your heart broke as you listened to your daughters words, realising that she believed them. Believed you wouldn’t notice if she was gone. Had you really been that busy at work? Not noticed how neglected she felt? Had you been so caught up in Natalia that you didn’t realise how your own daughter was drifting away from you?

 

“I’d visit her.” Emma went on. “I love her a lot, but I love you too, I want to live with you. I want to belong to you.”

 

The fact that she said she loved you was little consolation. Emma wanted it badly, to be with Natalia. She wasn’t even torn between the two of you. She made her choice. You couldn’t blame her.

 

Maybe Emma was better off with Natalia.

 

I’d die for that kid.

 

Maybe Emma would be better off if you never came home.

 

 

   

Tags: guiding light
Subscribe

  • Fic: Diary

    Title: Diary Author: dhamphir Fandom: SG-1 Pairing/Character: Sam/Janet Rating: R Word Count: ~500 Summary: Janet is home alone and…

  • Vog Je Bang yahoo group

    Does anyone know what happen to all of the fics that was on the Vog Je Bang Yahoo community group? Is it all gone? Could there be such a cruel god?

  • Fic: Heat

    Title: Heat Author: dhamphir Fandom: SG-1 Pairing/Character: Sam/Janet Rating: G Word Count: ~ 370 Summary: Janet surprises Sam at…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

  • 10 comments

  • Fic: Diary

    Title: Diary Author: dhamphir Fandom: SG-1 Pairing/Character: Sam/Janet Rating: R Word Count: ~500 Summary: Janet is home alone and…

  • Vog Je Bang yahoo group

    Does anyone know what happen to all of the fics that was on the Vog Je Bang Yahoo community group? Is it all gone? Could there be such a cruel god?

  • Fic: Heat

    Title: Heat Author: dhamphir Fandom: SG-1 Pairing/Character: Sam/Janet Rating: G Word Count: ~ 370 Summary: Janet surprises Sam at…