Title: I Miss Us
Fandom: Guiding Light
Warnings or Spoilers: none really...it doesn't exactly follow anything on the show, really. It draws from the show, but...well they are in their sort of together phase...haha.
Summary - Olivia and Natalia struggle with moving beyond being friends.
Rating: pretty PG right now.
A/N: This is my first real attempt at Otalia so...be nice. :) My friend is forcing me to post, so you can thank or blame Rachel for this. ;) Thank you sweetie for betaing and pushing me.
The ride home from Towers after what was supposed to have been a romantic evening out was filled with uneasy silence. Tempest green eyes focused on the dark road ahead, her frustration palpable to the confused Latino seated beside her. Not a word had been spoken between them since they had left the restaurant and Natalia was beginning to get concerned. She disliked when Olivia got in her moods, when Olivia shut down and stopped talking. She could barely stand it; she wanted in to the older woman’s head, to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling. But immediately after she stole a quick sideways glance at the stoic businesswoman, she was frightened at what she might find if she got in to Olivia’s head. Olivia was a complicated woman.
The silence was heavy as Olivia pulled in to the driveway that they had once shared, the car heading up towards a house they had once both lived in. Olivia felt a slight pain in her chest as she pulled up to the door. She wondered if this pain was worse than the pain she had suffered before her heart replacement. She put the car in to park and then turned it off, making no move to get out of the car.
Natalia swallowed, clearly nervous about this odd behavior her partner was exhibiting. She opened her mouth to speak, but her throat was dry. No sound reached her lips. She ran her tongue across chapped lips, swallowing before she tried again, “aren’t you going to walk me to the door?” Her voice was soft, nearly a whisper. Her eyes shyly moved to look at the older woman, willing Olivia to look at her, but the green-eyed temptress merely looked ahead. She stared off into the dense forest before them.
Olivia finally took a sharp inhalation in and glanced down into her lap. Her fingers, almost nervously, found her hair, sweeping it away from her face. It was in that one fluid motion that Natalia noticed the obvious wetness forming in the corner of sultry green eyes.
“Olivia…” Natalia whispered, not sure what to do, what to say. She would have reached out, she would have touched the older woman, but she was afraid, frightened by this stolid display.
Olivia sniffed, wiping as discreetly as she could at her eyes. “You should go on inside,” she boldly got out, no hint of inner sadness showing in her strong voice.
“Olivia, I’m not going to leave you like…this,” Natalia frowned, turning to face Olivia, willing her to look at her. She wanted to see those eyes; she wanted to connect with this woman.
But Olivia would not indulge her. She kept her eyes downcast.
Natalia reached out, but her hand was quickly intercepted by a strong hand, blocking her from touching a very broken looking Olivia.
“Olivia!” Natalia cried out in frustration. “What happened? What is wrong?” She felt her own tears forming and she had no idea why.
Olivia sniffed again and looked out her window, away from Natalia. “I can’t do this.” She whispered, her finger overtly running over her lips.
Natalia felt a tear slip down her cheek. “Can’t…Olivia?” Natalia felt her heart beginning to shatter.
“Face it Natalia, you can’t do it either. And you know it.” Olivia looked at her now, but instead of a comforting gaze, Natalia was accosted with a rough, broken stare. Enticing emerald green now looked like an electric olive.
Natalia moved back, frightened by this sudden turn of events. “What are you…”
“Talking about? I’m talking about us, Natalia. You and me. It will never work.” Olivia completed Natalia’s thought and then some. “I saw it in the restaurant, you’re scared. You’re scared of what other people think. You’re scared of hurting Frank, of hurting Rafe, and Emma.” Olivia snapped, “I asked you, I asked you if you were ready for this and I knew…” Olivia’s voice broke, “I knew you weren’t.”
“Olivia…” But Natalia had no words.
“No, I can’t do this. Can’t you see, Natalia? I love you so much it hurts.” Olivia’s hand brushed against her breast, right above her scar. She could feel her heart wildly beating. “It’s hurting me,” she choked on her words.
“Olivia!” Natalia cried, having not realized before that she was causing Olivia so much pain. Her tears were heavy now, blurring her vision. She blindly reached for Olivia, wanting to comfort her, wanting to hold her, but Olivia pushed her away.
“Stop,” Olivia’s voice was as broken as Natalia’s heart felt.
“Olivia, I don’t want to lose you,” Natalia cried, her hands fidgeting, for she didn’t know what to do with them.
“No, no, Natalia you don’t want to lose the idea of me.” Olivia sighed, her breath shaky from tears. Olivia turned to face Natalia once again, “you’re not ready, Natalia. I don’t know if you’ll ever be.”
Natalia felt like a sword had just stabbed her heart. “No, Olivia, no. I want you.” They were silent and Olivia bit her lip to try and keep from sobbing. “I’m just not…I’m not ready to…”
“I’m not talking about that. God, Natalia. I don’t…I don’t need to have sex with you, I don’t need to kiss you, I just want to be with you. I want to be with you, Natalia. I want to be with you in a public place without you wondering what the person next to us is thinking.” Olivia, frustrated, let her hand fall on the steering wheel, her eyes adverting away from Natalia.
“I know!” Natalia cried, then whispered, “I know.” She squeezed her hands together. She didn’t want to lose this, to lose her. “I’m sorry, I’m just…this is different Olivia. Can’t you just…I mean…Olivia.” Natalia was pleading, trying to catch Olivia’s eyes with her own, soft, sad brown eyes.
Olivia put her head in her hands, rubbing gently at her forehead. “It’s going to hurt,” Olivia whispered into her palms.
Natalia frowned, “what? What’s going to hurt?”
Olivia shook her head. She ran her hand through her hair, wiped at her eyes and then started the car’s ignition once more. “You’d better go,” she soberly stated.
“Olivia, don’t leave. Not like this. Please.” Natalia was begging her. And before Olivia could deflect it, Natalia’s hand was on her arm.
“Natalia, I need to leave.” Olivia pleaded, her eyes not daring to meet Natalia’s.
“No!” Natalia was crying harder now, “please. Just, just come inside. Have a cup of coffee. We’ll talk about this, we’ll…we’ll just…please.”
Olivia shrugged out of her grasp. “I need to go,” she nearly hummed, her resolve threatening to break, her defenses weakening.
“Olivia, we need to talk…we need to talk about…this.” Natalia groaned, felling like someone was ripping her heart out of her chest. She did the only thing she could think to do. She climbed out of her seat, towards Olivia.
Her lips were on Olivia’s before the older woman could stop her. She was caught off guard, she hadn’t expected this. Natalia’s lips moved hungrily, need was interwoven between kisses. It was rough, ugly, all too unexpected and less than spectacular. It was sloppy, wet. Olivia’s lips tasted like the chocolate cake and wine they had shared at the restaurant and Natalia wanted to go back to dinner. She wanted to take back the things she had said about Frank, about the people staring at them. She pushed, trying to gain entrance into Olivia, but the older woman would have none of it.
Olivia’s arms were on Natalia, pushing her away. Natalia, upset, fell away from Olivia, her strength weakening as she fell messily against the passenger seat.
“Go,” Olivia groaned, her hands falling lifelessly to her sides.
Natalia had never seen the woman so lost, so broken. Not even in those delicate days following her heart procedure. Frightened, she ran. Her fight-or-flight instinct kicked in and now was time for flight.
Olivia rang the doorbell, a flash of lightening flickering off in the distance. A light on in an upper-story window assured the irate woman that someone was home. Distant footsteps could be heard and a figure appeared in the stain glass of the window. Olivia brushed her hair out of her face and attempted a slightly irritated smile when the porch light flipped on, which was immediately followed by the opening of the front door.
“Spencer, what the hell are you doing here so late?” Doris barked, not as surprised to see Olivia as her question had sounded.
“Can I…” Olivia had to stop, to keep the tears from invading her voice.
“Come in, Olivia.” Doris ushered her in, locking the door behind her, leading her in to the living room, towards the couch. “Sit.” She commanded, “would you like some tea?”
Olivia shook her head, shock suddenly overcoming her as she realized what had just happened.
“Fine,” Doris looked Olivia over, immediately registering her lost, hurt look. She sat down next to her, waiting for the hotelier to speak.
But instead of words, Olivia’s downcast eyes turned upward and before she could think or speak, she turned towards Doris and leaned forward, surprising the mayor by kissing her. Their lips collided, taut with surprise and confusion. It was not messy, but it was not comforting or welcoming. Gentle hands moved to press against Olivia’s chest, slowly pushing her away.
Their lips parted and Doris shook her head. “Stop, Olivia. I’m not the one you’re after and you know it.” Doris grabbed Olivia’s forearms to keep her at a distance.
Olivia’s eyes fluttered shut and she shuddered as tears seeped through closed eyelids.
Doris watched her cry, waiting patiently for her tears to recede enough for the woman to explain what had happened.
Olivia was too embarrassed to open her eyes, but she was grateful for Doris’ tight, reassuring grip on her arms. She was glad to have someone there, someone watching as she broke down. Anything was better than returning to her hotel room alone.
“It hurts,” Olivia breathed, her voice wavering. She was almost gasping for air.
Doris shook her head, “what happened?” Doris let her hands rub gently against Olivia’s arms, attempting to soothe her.
“I thought that maybe she was ready, but…she’s not…she won’t ever be,” Olivia wept.
“Olivia, this is Natalia we’re talking about.” Doris’ voice suddenly held wisdom and Olivia’s eyes snapped open, searching the mayor’s face for what she had to say about Natalia. “Natalia is not as strong as you.”
“But, fuck. She can go on and on for hours about poor Frank, poor Rafe, poor Emma. What about us! What about our happiness?”
“She’s concerned about other people; it’s in her nature, Olivia.” Doris shrugged.
“So I have to suffer through her caring more about Frank and his family and our family than about what we have?” Olivia groaned.
“And what, exactly, is it that you have?” Doris inquired, not allowing Olivia to break eye-contact with her.
Olivia opened her mouth to reply, but promptly shut it. What was it that they had? They had confessed their love. So they had love. But what was love without being able to be together, to spend time together, to talk, to not care - for even a moment - about what other people thought or felt. “We’re…just…we’re together. For now. You know? We go on dates. We talk.” Olivia shrugged.
“And you want more?” Doris raised her eyebrow.
“Well, sure. But not right away, not right now. I want her to feel comfortable. I want it to be right. But I don’t know if she’ll ever even be ready for that. I don’t even know if she truly loves me, or if she loves this idea of me that she’s conjured up over this year of caring for me and being my housemate. It got comfortable; comfortable for her, for me…and…”
“You’re worried her feelings aren’t genuine?” Doris completed Olivia’s thought, searching deep into dark green eyes.
Olivia nodded, shyly glancing away.
“Olivia, I could see it in her eyes the day of her wedding.”
“The day of her wedding she was confused and conflicted and I had confessed my love to her, stupidly. She only ran because she didn’t want to disappoint me.” Olivia sighed.
“No,” Doris shook her head and turned Olivia’s head to look at her once more. “When she ran, she ran because she knew she wasn’t in love with Frank. She knew she had feelings for you. She wouldn’t have done that if she hadn’t.”
“She’s impressionable. I’ve ruined her.” Olivia was mindlessly rocking back and forth.
“Stop this, Olivia.” Doris gently shook the other woman, causing Olivia to look at her. “You need to talk to her. It’s clear your love for her is deep and real and, honestly Spencer, you’re scared. You’re scared out of your mind.”
Olivia stared, almost blankly, into Doris’ very real statement.
“Olivia, don’t ruin this. Don’t run.” Doris wisely advised.
Olivia felt suddenly weak. “I need to go home.”
“You need to talk to her,” Doris responded.
Olivia just nodded and got up, heading towards the front door. Before she could unlock the door and escape into the dark, lonely night, she turned. “How did you know, Wolfe?”
“You don’t think I haven’t felt what you’re feeling before?” Doris just laughed. “Go home. Sleep. Call her.” And with that she let Olivia out, closed the door on her face, and locked it.