A.J. (sneaky_in_red) wrote in passion_perfect,
A.J.
sneaky_in_red
passion_perfect

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Can't Go Back Now 13/??

Title: Can't Go Back Now
Pairing: Emily/Jj
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All of the characters belong to CBS. Don't own them. Just playing with their toys my way. :D
Archiving: you may have it.
Author's note: Okay, I always forget mentioning this: all chapters are self-beta'ed so all stupid mistakes and boring vocabs are mine. Seriously, I'm sorry for the boring vocabulary.. English is not my first lang.. not even my second.
Err.. I would be very happy if someone could tell me how do you insert a link to your previous chapters to your current post, so people don't have to go back several pages to find the first chapter.. Thanks before.. :)

Dedication: For Zoni, who - even with her back injury - is still willing to read and comment on every chapter. You are more than amazing, girl! ; For my CM boardmates, thanks for reading even though you guys are not into femslash (I owe you guys big time) ; For my LJ readers and friends, thank you!! ((hugs)) ; And for my D, as always, I love you...

Ahem... right... it's

 

Chapter 13

“As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say that there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”

-Donald Rumsfeld-

 

JJ sat on her bed, thinking about her last conversation with Emily; thinking about her last words to the brunette before leaving her. She was sure she heard a sob when she stepped out of the room but she couldn’t bring herself to get back in the room. She didn’t know what good it would make as she still wasn’t sure with her own feelings. She needed to think. JJ didn’t lie when she said that she wasn’t sorry they kissed. She knew that she had to be, but she wasn’t. She felt... happy. JJ frowned. Happy wasn’t the exact word for the situation. You have a son and a fiancé, she reminded herself sternly. But JJ remembered the felt of Emily’s lips against her and she blushed again. The blonde took a deep breath and gasped as a sweet scent which wasn’t her own reached her nose. She recognized it; it was Emily’s. Her blush deepened and she couldn’t help but thinking about their hug. JJ groaned. She needed to think. She needed to speak with someone. JJ reached for her phone and dialled the only person she knew would not judge her for the things she was about to say.

“You reach the domain of the immortals and the most intelligent, speak and be heard,” Garcia answered her phone with the usual playful tone. But before JJ could say a word, the computer tech added very quickly, “If Prentiss is asking about her files, tell her I’m on it. She wants everything and everything takes time to find, even for a genius like me. And...”

JJ interrupted her, “Penelope, I didn’t call about the case.”

“And please... Oh? What? You didn’t? Oh.” Garcia stopped. “Is everything okay? Is it about Henry?” She started again.

The younger woman sighed. It was going to be more than awkward. “No, Garcia, it isn’t about Henry. It’s about...” JJ hesitated a second, “Emily.”

Garcia straightened up her sitting position. “I’m listening,” she said. She knew that JJ didn’t call her for silly gossips they often exchanged to lighten their moods during a case. Besides, all she got from Morgan earlier was a text with all capitals saying ‘SHE SLAPPED ME!!’

JJ noticed the shift of tone in Garcia’s voice and she wondered if Garcia knew something about Emily; or maybe even about her and JJ. She noted to herself to ask about that later. Now she needed Garcia to help her think. And it wasn’t easy. How did you say to your friend that your colleague, of the same gender, kissed you and you thought you liked it?  ‘Hey, everything is fine, case goes slow... Oh, by the way, Emily kissed me and I kind of like it’? JJ bit his lower lip, saying nothing at first.

When her words met silence, Garcia sighed. It must be bad, she thought. “Hey Kitten,” she said softly, “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah,” JJ replied in a small voice. She braced herself and after taking a deep breath, she said quickly, “Emilykissedme.” Words stumbled in her mouth.

Garcia almost – very close – to shout out her surprise but she managed to shut her mouth before saying anything. She had prepared herself to hear anything about the brunette, but this was not one of her definitions of anything. Emily Prentiss. Kissing Jennifer Jareau. “Oh... wow?” was all she managed to say at first. She heard JJ sighed in frustration and she mentally smacked herself and regained her composure. “I mean... how do you feel about that?”

JJ could feel her face blushed, although Garcia wasn’t there. “I... I’m not sure,” She answered truthfully. “I do not dislike it, I think,” she added.

Garcia’s eyes widened. She certainly didn’t expect that kind of answers. “Am I deaf or did I really hear you say a double-negation sentence?” She asked, wanting JJ to say it again.

“Not funny, Pen,” JJ replied. “Yes, I did say ‘don’t dislike’. But I also said ‘I think’! I don’t know how I truly feel about it – I mean, it’s not like I’m gay or anything near that. I have a fiancé. And a son! And I know I am not supposed to like it; I’m not even supposed to ‘think’ that I like it.”

The tech agent listened JJ’s rambling until the press liaison stopped. “JJ, what is the connection of having a fiancé – and a son – to liking a kiss? You do realize that you’re making silly excuses, or don’t you?” Garcia cut right to the point. She didn’t wait for a respond, “And you now know for sure that Prentiss is gay, and what did you just say? ‘It’s not like I’m gay or anything near that’. Do you know how homophobic that sounds? Now let me ask you something again, do you hate gay people?”

“I am not homophobic, Garcia!” JJ argued. “I just don’t think I am gay, nothing more to it in my words.” The blonde frowned. She thought about Garcia’s questions. “And of course there’s a connection between liking a kiss to having a fiancé! It’s like I betray Will for even thinking of liking Emily’s kiss.” She felt some familiar heat crept up her cheek as she mentioned the kiss again.

“Well, I don’t see what’s so wrong with that,” Garcia replied calmly. “You can’t control how you feel about something, JJ. There’s no right or wrong in feelings. Like now, I must say that I am surprised to know about Emily and your kiss. I can’t control that.”

JJ sighed. She knew every word Garcia said was true. Yet, she couldn’t help thinking of herself not being straight. What would people say about me? She thought. And she didn’t realize that she said it out loud.

Garcia scoffed when she heard that remark. “What do people have anything to do with anything you do?” She said. “Look, Jajy, I understand that you are confused now. You don’t know what to do. But don’t bring people into this. People won’t make you happy. You make you happy. Now listen to me, you think about it, take your time to really think about how you feel towards Will and Emily. You are smart enough to know that you can’t have them both. Eventually you will hurt either Will or Emily and that’s the thing you have to face. And remember, don’t bring Henry into this. My godson has nothing to do with your feelings.”

JJ didn’t reply. She was too confused to reply. Garcia waited before she ended the call. “You might not like what I said, but I don’t care. You need to hear that. Call me at any time if you have thought about it, okay? Bye Jay.” The tech goddess hung up. She grinned. So THAT’s what bothering Prentiss, she thought.

After they hung up, JJ didn’t know what else to do. She curled up in bed. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t know what to think about. She spent some time in the foetus position before she lay on her back, staring blankly at the ceiling. She didn’t realize how long she had been in that position when she felt her phone vibrated. She picked the thing up to see who was calling. Will’s name was on the screen and JJ felt so invaded. The man had tried to call her more than ten times that day and she didn’t answer any. She decided to ignore this one as well so the blonde shoved her phone under the pillow she didn’t use. When she finally fell asleep, Will had left no less than five more missed call.

***

The next morning was awkward for Emily and Morgan. The man hadn’t said anything to her during breakfast except a polite ‘good morning’. The dark agent wasn’t angry with Emily. He was still worried about her, despite the slap. He eyed the brunette with the corner of his eye and he saw that Emily’s appearance was flawed somehow. The woman had dark circles under her eyes, and her eyes looked so puffy that no one would doubt that she had been crying. He wanted to help, but how could someone help someone who didn’t want any help? He sighed. Garcia had told him not to push Emily for now, and he thought maybe that was the best. He waved as JJ entered the dining room. The blonde looked tired, too. Morgan really wished they found something to help them that day. He stopped watching Emily and started eating his breakfast gloomily.

Emily kept her head down; wearing a big mental sign of ‘just leave me alone’ on her, so she was a little startled to see someone pulled a chair in front of her. The woman nearly choked on her cereal when she saw who it was. JJ smiled an uncertain smile before sitting down across her.

“Morning, Emily,” The blonde said, hoping that her voice didn’t tremble as she spoke.

The older woman didn’t answer. She nodded and went back to what she was doing earlier. Her hand shook a little when she spooned her cereal, and it didn’t go unnoticed by JJ, whose heart beating so fast herself. She’s nervous, JJ thought, Emily Prentiss is nervous.

Emily finished her breakfast as fast as she could. She didn’t need any more unnecessary emotional outburst that day and she needed to get away from JJ. Fast. The brunette stood up and was about to leave the table when she heard JJ called her softly. She didn’t turn, but she didn’t walk away, either.

“Emily,” JJ repeated. “I would like to talk with you about something. Do you have the time tonight?”

The profiler finally turned around. “I don’t know,” Emily replied. “I’m very tired, JJ,” She added dejectedly.

JJ’s heart skipped a beat when she heard Emily called her ‘JJ’. She thought she would never heard the woman call her that again. “Of course, Emily. I know you must be very tired. After the case, perhaps?” She tried again.

Emily sighed. She knew that sooner or later she had to face the ‘talking’. She cursed herself again for kissing the blonde. None of this should have happened if you controlled yourself, Emily, the voice was somehow resembled to her mother’s voice and it sent a shiver down her spine. She finally nodded. “Yes,” she retorted. “After the case...” I’ll be gone by then, she added in her head. Emily turned away and left JJ with her uneaten breakfast alone.

The blonde released the breath she was holding. She felt somehow relieved that Emily didn’t want to talk that night. It would give her more time to think. More time to contemplate on her own feelings. She called me ‘JJ’, the blonde said to herself. She was so happy for some reasons she couldn’t explain. She tried to hide her smile behind her coffee mug. She called me ‘JJ’.

 

“Were it not for hope, our heart would break”

-Anonymous-

 

a/n: What do you think? *bites nails nervously*

 



Tags: criminal minds
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