Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia Spencer/Natalia Rivera
Spoilers: This story begins at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode and includes flashbacks/references to earlier scenes, both canon and fictitious. This story will deviate from canon at the end of the 8/31/2009 episode.
Summary: Natalia pursues Olivia after returning from the retreat.
Rating: Will range from PG-NC17.
Disclaimer: The characters herein, including Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Matt Reardon, Maureen Reardon, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Doris Wolfe and Buzz Cooper belong to Proctor & Gamble, TeleNext Media, and/or CBS. I do not own them nor am I making any profit from this work of fiction.
A/N: This story alternates between Olivia's and Natalia's POV and also sometimes between memories/flashbacks and present tense. I will do my best to make the differences clear. This is my first attempt at fanfic; constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for reading and especially to those of you who take the time to comment - I appreciate it more than I can express!
(Chapter One) (Chapter Two) (Chapter Three)
Chapter Four – Olivia Spencer
Olivia was stunned to the point of immobility. Had she been able to will her body to move, she probably would have followed Matt away from the table and out the door. But her limbs felt leaden, her heartbreak and guilt and anger weighing her down and rooting her where she sat. The air around her felt inky and thick; it was difficult to breathe and even more difficult to think clearly.
Olivia Spencer was a woman who demanded control and she didn’t care who she had to destroy on her way to dominance. If they were willing to get in her way, she was willing to plow them over. She refused to take direction and broke rules just because she was Olivia Spencer, and damn it, she could. She had always been driven, but her assault at age 16 exacerbated her need to be in command of every aspect of her life. Sure, she sometimes gave in to Natalia, but she had long ago rationalized that she did so because she was in love with the woman and wanted her to be happy. Besides, in Natalia’s life she hadn’t often had the luxury of making choices; she did what she did because it was necessary for her and Rafe’s survival. So Olivia felt like occasionally handing the reins over was a small price to pay to show Natalia that she, too, had the ability to make important choices and decisions in her own life.
At first her ex-girlfriend had lacked confidence about her abilities. Olivia had to practically beg her to accept the job of being her personal assistant. Standing outside of Company, her heart moments away from stopping, she had condescendingly said to Natalia, “Oh geez… Just grow a backbone. I mean really, how can you stand there and lecture me about my life and fighting for it when you just roll over like a scared kitten? Why don’t you take a chance?”
Natalia believed the job would be too challenging for a person who had known only waitressing and housekeeping, but Olivia knew that deep inside Natalia had sharp instincts and exceptional aptitude. She was competent and skillful; she simply needed opportunities to unleash her potential. Olivia had watched, lovingly enchanted as month after month Natalia’s capabilities blossomed. She was exceedingly proud of the younger woman but Natalia never seemed to grow entirely into the new role. For all her faith, she had very little in her own talents and strengths.
It hadn’t surprised Olivia that this general demeanor spilled over to their personal life, too. Natalia had learned to reluctantly stand up for herself but she was still weighed down by guilt every time she did. Her declarations were always soft-spoken and slightly colored with apologies. So when Frank was in the hospital after getting into a fight with Doris' goons, Natalia had told him that he should blame her for leaving him at the altar rather than crucifying Olivia, but then she immediately changed direction and took to mothering him, asking him to rest and calm down. When he blamed Olivia for manipulating the innocent woman, Natalia told him that he must not have known her very well at all. But she said the words with tears in her eyes, and followed it with an affirmation of how much she cared for him even if she didn’t love him in the way he wanted her to. And when Frank demanded to know what she and Olivia were to one another, she looked terrified and couldn’t find the words, couldn’t meet his eyes. When Frank indicated that it was too late to avoid hurting him, she cried as she chased after him, apologies spilling as quickly as the tears in her eyes.
When they had talked about the incident afterwards, Natalia expressed to Olivia that she felt guilty because Frank was a good man who deserved to be happy. Olivia had to remind her that they deserved to be happy, too. And then Olivia had told her, begged her, that if she couldn’t handle their relationship to let Olivia know before she fell any further in love. When Natalia hadn’t answered, Olivia had hoped it meant that she was on board, steadfast and ready for whatever was coming. Exactly two months later Natalia realized that she couldn’t handle it. And by then Olivia was so dependent upon the beautiful woman’s love, it had nearly destroyed her.
But now Natalia was back… And she had finally grown a backbone, and she was now the one asking Olivia to take a chance. She was confident, assured, assertive, and in Olivia’s ongoing battle between her body and her mind, her body was winning out once again as it grew warm and tingly watching Natalia order Matt away and command Olivia’s attention. A dominant Natalia is a very, very sexy Natalia. Maybe relinquishing control a little more frequently could be a very, very good thing.
Fuck! Pull yourself together, Spencer. What the hell just happened here? Her ex-girlfriend had stormed into Towers and readily confessed her love and apologies in front of Matt and anyone else who happened to be within earshot. The trepidation was gone from her voice; she had been clear and articulate and sure. Gone was the subtle shrug of her shoulders, the doubt and uncertainty replaced by a strong and confident poise. Natalia hadn’t once glanced around the room to see who was watching, to see if she might hurt anyone’s feelings by barging in and professing her love and devotion. Maybe she has changed. Olivia refused to get her hopes up. This woman had mangled her heart. Even if she had changed, it wouldn’t make up for what she had done. Would it?
Olivia turned her eyes to Natalia, who continued to sit silently across the table, staring back at her. Olivia didn’t know how to respond. She opted for anger, hoping it would scare her ex away.
“Natalia, what are you doing here? What do you want from me?” Olivia leaned across the table and somehow found a way to both yell and whisper simultaneously.
“I told you. I want to talk to you. We have things we need to discuss,” Natalia replied plainly.
Jesus, she’s like a broken record! Olivia tried to control her flaring emotions, fearful that if her body got any more worked up between frustration and arousal she’d be taking another trip to Cedar’s. “You can’t do this. I made plans.”
“Yes, with me,” Natalia stressed.
Olivia felt stung and her anger melted, replaced immediately by sorrow. She had already beaten herself up enough tonight over leaving Natalia after agreeing to spend time with her. Before she could stop herself, she softly whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Natalia looked carefully at her, head slightly cocked as though she were assessing the veracity of the statement. “Are you?”
Olivia focused intently on the napkin in her lap, running her fingers along the frayed edges. Without looking up, she softly replied, “Yes. You know I don’t want to hurt you. I’d never want to hurt you.”
“I forgive you. I know you’re scared. And it doesn’t matter because we’re together now.” As she said the last phrase, a smile crossed her lips.
Olivia’s voice cracked as she tried to reason with her ex-girlfriend. “No, we’re not together now. I can’t do it right now. I can’t.” She shook her head to emphasize the point. “I can’t spend one on one time with you, okay? It’s just too hard. Maybe one day we can be casual friends, but I – I can’t do it now.”
Olivia wondered how Natalia was remaining so composed while her own thoughts and emotions were surging. Her voice filled with confidence, Natalia simply stated, “You can’t do it because you’re still in love with me.”
Olivia almost laughed at the audacity of the statement. But Natalia hadn’t flinched; she said it as simply and as confidently as if she were declaring the sky was blue. My god, she looks a little batshit crazy right now. And damn it, that looks hot on her, too! I’m so fucking doomed. I can’t keep this up much longer, I feel myself weakening. God, I know I’m not your favorite person and she probably is, but come the fuck on! I’m dying here.
Natalia continued, “We are not casual friends. We have never been causal friends. We will never be causal friends. We have been competitors, we have been giver and recipient, we have been superior and subordinate, we have been roommates, we have been best friends, and we have been a family. And after all of that, because of all of that, we were lovers. Maybe only in name, but I hoped in practice one day, too. So I am not looking for a casual friend, Olivia. You know what I want.”
Olivia was barely hanging on to her ability to fight. “I need to move on,” she stressed, but she could tell her voice lacked conviction.
“No! We need to be together.” Natalia glanced up at a couple walking past their table, and Olivia was once again surprised at her ex’s willingness to be so open about her feelings in front of anyone who cared to take notice. What if she really isn’t scared anymore? Why am I still so scared?
Natalia shook her head at Olivia as she continued. “And you can’t fool me by going on dates with other people. I know how I feel. I know how you feel. I can see it in your eyes right now.”
Olivia tried desperately to control the confusing blend of emotions flooding her body. Natalia was right; Olivia knew that. She had to get away from Natalia before she gave in. Before she could reply, Natalia spoke again.
“I know I hurt you. And I know it’s going to take a while, and it’s going to take a lot of hard work for me to remind you how good what we have is. But I’m a patient woman, and I can do it.”
Olivia hung her head, her voice sounding defeated as she pleaded, “Please Natalia. I’m begging you. If you love me like you say you do, you’ll stop this. You’ll leave me alone. Every time I see you it hurts more.” She lifted teary eyes to Natalia, hoping for mercy.
“That’s because you won’t let me make it hurt less. I can make you happy and you know it. You have to trust me, Olivia, and you have to give me a chance to prove myself to you.” Her voice sounded tender as she leaned across the table, reaching gently for Olivia’s hand. Olivia flinched at the gesture.
“Tell me, Natalia, how can I trust you after what happened? I can’t take that chance.”
The younger woman grabbed her hand before she could completely pull it away. Natalia looked at Olivia for several moments, gently stroking Olivia’s fingers with her own. Her voice was soft and soothing when she finally spoke.
“Yes you can. Olivia, how many times have you told me to take a chance? How many times have you told me to get angry and to fight for the things I believe in, the things I know are right? How many times have you told me to believe in myself the way you believe in me? Whether you choose to admit it, you know that right now, in this moment, I am the person you always thought I could be. Aside from my grave misjudgment in error, for which I will apologize for the rest of my days, I am who you wanted me to be all these months. I am sure in my love for you. I know what I want with you. I know what comes next.”
The shackles around Olivia’s cold and broken heart were slowly slipping away. She wanted to protest, to tell Natalia that it was too little and she was too late. But her lips refused to form the words.
“I don’t care what other people think anymore. You are my best friend, you are my family, and you are the woman I am in love with. I want us to be together in every single way. I want to let the world know how I adore you and need you. So tell me, Olivia Spencer, since when do you not take chances? That isn’t you. You are gutsy and daring. You are fearless and bold. You don’t do anything halfway, you never admit defeat, and you never, ever back down from a challenge when you know the reward makes the effort worthwhile. That is who you are. You jump in with both feet.”
“The last time I did that, you broke my heart,” Olivia weakly mumbled.
“The last time you did that we both ended up with something we’ve never had before. Something that you and I both know neither of us will ever find again with another person.”
Olivia felt a gentle squeeze where Natalia was grasping her hand.
“Please don’t throw this away, Olivia. We belong together. We are good together and we are strong together.”
Olivia ached to take her ex-girlfriend into her arms. She wanted to kiss her and apologize for her own stubbornness, for the last three weeks they had missed out on because of her stupid pride. Natalia was right; Olivia had always been a risk-taker. And Natalia was worth the risk. Her mind was racing. She wanted to say so many things but fear left her silent as she mulled over all that Natalia had said and done in the previous ten minutes.
Maybe… maybe she did change while she was away. What if this could work? I know too well that I could never be happy again without her in my life. Is the chance of that happiness worth the risk of another broken heart?
Olivia couldn’t respond. Finally, Natalia arose and walked slowly around to Olivia. She placed her left hand on the table and her right hand on the back of Olivia’s chair, and leaned in until her face was only mere inches from Olivia’s. Her voice was soft, and Olivia could feel the warmth of her breath caressing her face as she spoke. “You are a risk-taker. I am worth the risk. And I’m not going to stop Olivia. You know I’m right that we belong together. So I will come around as often as I need to, for as long as I need to, to prove that I love you, to prove that I’m in love with you, and to prove that I want to spend every single day for the rest of my life with you.”
Olivia couldn’t move, couldn’t blink; Natalia stared into her eyes as the words crossed her lips. It was one of the most terrifying and intimate moments of Olivia's life.
“I want to wake up in your arms at the farm house every morning, Olivia. I want to cook breakfast for you and our family. I want to take care of you when you come home from a busy day at The Beacon by rubbing your shoulders, drawing you a bath, and pouring you a glass of wine. I want us to help Emma with her homework after dinner, and I want us to take turns reading stories to her and the new baby before we go to bed. And when we get to that bed, I want to be with you, I want to love you, I want to touch and caress and kiss every inch of you. I want to be your wife, Olivia. And I refuse to give up. This is too important.”
As her ex spoke this time, Olivia watched as her dark eyes, hungry and lust-filled, scrutinized every inch of her body. She could actually see Natalia appraising the satiny skin revealed by her low-cut, vee-necked dress. God, she’s visually molesting me! When Natalia’s eyes finally leveled with Olivia’s once again, neither woman was breathing. Olivia’s heart was pounding so quickly she feared she might have another heart attack at any moment. She tried to make sense of the words Natalia had spoken but they were too unexpected, too overwhelming. It was as though her brain refused to process them because it knew if it did, Olivia would have no choice but to accept Natalia’s promises.
“I am going to leave you to enjoy your meal tonight. But I’ll be back to see you soon, darling.” And with that, Olivia felt Natalia closing the distance between the two of them. Her eyes widened in surprise as she saw Natalia’s flutter shut, as her radiant ex leaned further forward. Their lips brushed softly, so softly that Olivia thought she shouldn’t even be able to feel it. Except she could feel it, and she could feel it in every part of her body as fire stormed through her veins. The kiss lasted less than a second, but when Natalia pulled away, Olivia had to gasp for air. Despite its brevity and its chasteness, Olivia immediately knew she never wanted to kiss any lips other than those soft, lip-gloss sticky ones that graced Natalia's lovely face. It felt electrifying and it felt profoundly right.
She watched as Natalia walked back to the other side of the table, grabbed the purse hanging off the back of her chair and started to walk away.
“Natalia… Wait!” Olivia called after her. She was astonished to hear the words pass her lips, as though her heart had pulled a fast one over her mind and snuck the words out before she consciously knew she was going to say them.
She watched as Natalia stopped, waited two seconds, and then slowly turned around to face Olivia. The delicate corner of her lips was ever so slightly upturned and she slowly raised her eyebrows. She looked both anxious and hopeful.
Oh shit, Spencer. What the hell did you just do?
*To Be Continued*