Snuff (snuffnyc) wrote in passion_perfect,

FIC: The Lost

Title: The Lost
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: R to NC-17

Notes: PLEASE READ This is a dark, angst-filled story with ADULT themes. It is not graphically violent or gratuitous in nature, but it can be quite dark. For those of you who read and enjoyed "Whatever It Takes," this story takes place shortly after. Completely different tone, though, so be prepared. If you haven't read WIT, it's not necessary but it is helpful.

I'm not 100% sure, but I feel like this is entirely new territory for Olivia & Natalia. Your comments are greatly appreciated.

ETA: Thanks for the immense outpouring of support for this story. I was nervous, I'll admit, but you've been amazingly insightful and supportive. Thank you x1000.

Chapter One
Chapter Two (NC-17)
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five - (NC-17)
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven

A/N: if you wanna see pics of the epic Europe trip that kept me away from my fanfiction duties, here's a link! Now that I'm back, updates should be regular again!

"Don't come yet."

Air hissed from between Natalia's clenched teeth, her expression a mix of frustration and arousal. From beneath her, Olivia could see a single, engorged vein snaking up from Natalia's collarbone, along the otherwise unblemished skin of her neck, and vanishing behind dark locks of hair. The muscles of her upper arms were taut and visible, striations appearing and disappearing with each thrust as she pressed so hard against Olivia that her bones threatened to shatter.

"Don't you dare," Olivia commanded a little more firmly. She wrapped her free hand around the other woman's waist and rolled them over together, their bodies never parting. Nearly-black hair spilled across the pillow, sweat curling it into haphazard twists despite the overworked air conditioner.

"Please..." It was, in one word, a desperate, whispered plea, a prayer, a question, an answer. Olivia had, in her excitement over finally being home, risen before Natalia, and after a quick trip downstairs for a glass of water, decided a wake-up call of another type entirely was just what her sleepy wife needed. An hour later, they were both very much awake, panting and sliding against each other.

Natalia's eyes were squeezed shut, fine lines creasing around her eyebrows. Between hurried breaths she bit and tugged at her lower lip, causing it to redden and swell. Olivia drew her own mouth to flesh there and sucked gently, eliciting another helpless moan from the woman now writhing beneath her.

"Open your eyes, Natalia," Olivia whispered, using all of her strength to force their shared movements to a near stop. When she complied, Olivia found her brown eyes dark and shimmering. "Beautiful," she smiled.

Natalia's hands held tightly to Olivia's sides, their locked grasp an implicit urging, despite her best attempts to match Olivia's calm. The older woman's eyes traveled down Natalia's body, past her bobbing breasts, the thumbprint of her navel, and down to where their bodies joined.

"Watch me," Olivia's voice dropped an octave. "Watch me do this to you."

Another groan, this one tinged with disbelief. Natalia propped herself up on her elbows and guiltily obliged, lowering her eyes. "You cocky, arrogant..." Before she could finish, Olivia pushed the breath out of her with deep, steady pressure.

"But you do love what I do to you," Olivia winked.

Natalia nodded lazily. "Mmhmm."

"Now," Olivia met her gaze once again. "Feel what you do to me."

She felt Natalia hesitate, and knew it was more out of logistics than any embarrassment or prudishness. They were past that now.

"I can't reach you," Natalia said softly.

Olivia laughed a little. "Come on, Yoga, yes you can."

"Now isn't the time to be teasing me. I... oh," Natalia's eyes widened when her fingers found the spot where her tongue usually roamed. Her lips curled into a mischievous smile as she worked Olivia over, and in response the other woman resumed their earlier pace.

"That feels..." Olivia struggled to finish, and Natalia moaned in agreement. They moved together like that for as long as they could stand it. Finally, though, when Olivia whispered that she was about to give in, Natalia dug one set of fingernails deep into the skin at the back of her neck, and they both let go together, bodies seizing and sliding and slowing.

For a few minutes they flirted with the idea of falling back to sleep, eyelids fluttering and lips dragging absently across each other's skin. But when the sounds of Emma's footsteps rocketing down the stairs filled the entire house, Olivia just smiled. "No rest for the weary."


With Natalia in the shower, Olivia made her way downstairs and found her daughter sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the television. She was watching what looked like a music video, featuring some teenaged quasi-rock stars called The Jonas Brothers. She assumed they must be quite popular, judging by the fact that Emma knew all the words to their song and cooed wildly at the screen every time one particular boy had a close-up.

"What's his name?" Olivia tried to sound casual, but she actually felt a bit nervous being alone with Emma for the first time in a long while.

The girl turned to her mother and then back to the TV. "Nick. He's soooo cute."

"I don't know, I like that curly-haired dorky looking kid." She observed the television with a measure of skepticism.

Emma snorted. "He's Jodie's favorite. Her mom is taking her to go see them in concert next month."

"Oh really?" Olivia spotted an opening, and sat down on the couch behind Emma.

"I asked Natalia if she would take me, but she said I have to ask you."

The little girl surely didn't mince words. "Ouch. That hurt," Olivia said out loud to no one in particular, sighing. "Well Jellybean, I'll talk to Jodie's mom. If we can get you a ticket, maybe she won't mind taking you along. Won't make you go with me." She tapped her palms against her robed knees and stood up. "But if you want some breakfast, you'll have to put up with me. I'm cooking this morning."

Emma turned around and looked at her mother in disbelief. Olivia had to laugh at the girl's exaggerated eyebrow arch, perfected already and she wasn't quite ten years old.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save the dramatics."

In the kitchen, Olivia pulled a few things from the fridge and a pan from the lower cabinets. Then she set about making coffee, a task she realized she hadn't done in as long as she could remember. Not out of laziness, but rather that she just never had to. Never thought to. It nagged at her for a minute, until she shook her head and flipped the switch on the machine. The aroma of brewing coffee always did have a cathartic effect on her, and Olivia smiled easily once again, remembering her and Natalia's early morning antics. It could be worse, she decided.

"I must still be sleeping," Natalia's sultry morning voice snapped Olivia from her revelry. "I'd swear that was a spatula in your hand."

Olivia scowled at her. "Jesus, you guys are a rough crowd this morning! Give me a break, I know how to make an egg."

Natalia wordlessly wrapped her arms around Olivia and rested her head between her shoulder blades. Olivia leaned back into the embrace, dropping a tiny pat of butter into the hot pan. Emma trotted into the kitchen and pulled up a chair at the table, the wooden legs dragging loudly against the tile.

While Natalia poured them each a cup of coffee, Olivia could feel Emma's eyes watching her every move at the stove. "Can you do me a favor, Bean?" The little girl nodded. "Hand me three slices of bread."

She took the three slices of white bread that Emma handed her out of the plastic bag, and while her daughter watched curiously, Olivia bent one slice slightly and took a bite right out of the center.

"What're you doing that for?" Emma asked, surprised. "You don't eat the toast before you cook it!"

"Ah, but you do when you're making Eggs in a Window."

Emma chewed the inside of her lip, and Olivia knew she was intrigued but didn't want to show it.

"Pull up your chair, and I'll show you," Olivia waved her over, and winked at Natalia who smiled silently, watching the two of them. "First you... here, take this slice and bend it in half a little. Not too much, you don't wanna break it." The little girl complied, her tiny hands gingerly holding the bread. "Now, take a bite and let it go."

She bit a half-moon shape into the bread and chewed it quickly, then watched the bread pop back into shape, leaving a perfect hole in the center. "Hey, cool!"

Olivia took the piece of bread from her and held it up to her eye. "I see you," she teased. "Now, you drop it in the pan like so." The butter sizzled and Olivia lowered the flame on the burner. "Then, for the piece de resistance," she affected her best French accent, and cracked an egg into the center of the bread. "Voila!"

Emma laughed and then caught herself. "That's pretty neat," she said seriously. "I mean, for an egg."

Natalia giggled from the other side of the room, both of her hands wrapped tightly around the coffee mug she held to her lips. "For an egg," she teased.

"A friend of mine taught me that while I was away," Olivia took on a serious tone of her own now. "Because while I was getting better, it was good for me to... to do things for myself that I ordinarily wouldn't do. To help... show me I could still go on. To show me that I could still survive, even though I was so sad and upset."

Emma drew her arms inward, curling them against her chest, and folded her legs onto the chair. When she didn't speak, Olivia looked to Natalia, who met her gaze but could only shrug.

"Mommies, and daddies too, they always want to... make things all better for their family. When Isabella died, sweetie, I just... I couldn't handle it. You and Natalia? You guys were stronger than me, don't you see?" She squatted down and picked Emma's chin up with her finger. "You two, my tough little cookies... I should've come to my family for help, but I didn't. Sometimes," Olivia sighed deeply. "Sometimes even mommies make big, big mistakes that they can't fix on their own."

Emma frowned slightly, but nodded. "The eggs are burning, Mom."


"I suck at this, Pierce. I really do."

On the other end of the line, Olivia's sponsor laughed. "This isn't botox or Viagra, Spence. There's no instant fix. You're just gonna have to eat shit for a while. You blew it big time in the eyes of your daughter, and frankly, I wouldn't be all that upset that she doesn't want you to come to the Jack-off Brothers concert. She's doing you a favor."

"You're a moron, you know that?"

Pierce plowed right past Olivia's dig. "But seriously... how's the sex? As your sponsor, I need to know about all aspects of your recovery."

Olivia smacked her hand against the steering wheel. She narrowed her eyes and bit back a smile, even though she knew Pierce couldn't see her. "Blow me."

"I hope she is. That's why I'm asking."

"You're disgusting, and every time I call you, I'm more and more disturbed."

Laughter reverberated through the phone so hard Olivia had to pull it away from her ear. "Natalia in the car with you? She's hot, Olivia."

"She's in the market picking up some flowers. I'm waiting outside. And yes, you've mentioned that about ninety times. Can we get back to the problem at hand?" She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she waited for Natalia, checking the rearview mirror every once in a while and brushing at an out-of-place hair or a stray eyelash.

Pierce sighed. "I feel for you, Spencer. I really do. You're doing the right thing, being honest and everything. Just keep plugging away. Where's she now?"

"Emma?" Olivia asked. "She's at a friend's house. Natalia skipped church this afternoon so we could go to the cemetery together."

"Whoa, easy tiger. You've been home for five minutes; don't bite off more than you can chew. That's so Olivia Spencer, though, isn't it? To jump directly into the deep end of the pool?"

Olivia groaned. "More like a cannonball. Today just became a triple-whammy."

"How's that?" Pierce asked, sounding confused.

"I'm gonna have to call you back. Frank Cooper just strolled up."

Clicking the phone off as she rolled down the window, Olivia squinted through the sun at the man standing over her. "Frank," she offered flatly.


Not really enjoying the feeling of Frank Cooper towering over her, Olivia killed the engine and hopped out of the car. "Heard you're chief of police these days, Frank. Good for you."

"Thanks," he said, clearing his throat. "I just saw your car and..."

"What've I got? Expired tags or something?" Olivia looked around the car, only half joking.

"I just thought I'd see for myself how you were doing. You're... out?"

Olivia clucked her tongue. "I wasn't in jail, Frank. I was in rehab, and yeah, I've finished the program."

He nodded his head. "Good, good. Good for you. I'm, uh..."

"We don't need to do this, Frank. We don't have anything to say to each other, do we?" She cocked an eyebrow at him and waited.

Frank looked for a second like he was going to simply slink away, but then he wagged a crooked finger at her. "Natalia's a good woman, Olivia, and you--"

"I what, Frank?" She may be fresh out of rehab, but Olivia would never consider backing away from a fight with Frank Cooper.

His voice roped into a near-snarl. "She deserves better than you."

"She deserves better than most, Frankie, I'll give you that," she sighed. Her mind flickered back to the part of her treatment where they talked about forgiveness, and not holding onto old grudges, and all that sappy business she'd fought to keep out of her brain but couldn't. She knew she needed to try a different tack. For everyone's sake. Her face softened. "Look, we've known each other a long time, Frank, haven't we?"

He nodded, pushing his hands into his pockets.

"And you know me, more than a little bit. So I don't need to tell you that, on my list of shit I'd rather not do, this ranks right up there with drinking battery acid or selling blow. But I owe you an apology, Frank. I do."

Frank looked baffled by her redirect, but he stood fast.

"I'm sorry I treated you the way I did, after we lost Isabella. She was your daughter too, and I lost sight of that. No, scratch that. I knew it, I recognized it, but I hated it. Hated you, hated God, hated the world."

His chin rose a bit, lip stiffening. "I know what you mean."

"And you know what I had to do today, Frank? I had to look my daughter in the eye and tell her how badly I screwed up. I had to tell her that mommy doesn't always have the answer, and that mommy made a big mistake. So now this," she motioned to the space between them. "This is cake. You think I'm some selfish lush? I don't really give a damn. All I care about is that you know that I'm sorry."

Frank was as easy to read as a shampoo bottle, and Olivia could see he was considering the olive branch she'd just extended. After a moment, he nodded again. "I'm not proud of the way I acted either. Maybe if things had been different... we could've leaned on each other."

"Maybe," Olivia looked off, not wanting Frank to see the tears in her eyes.

"I should get going," Frank said, kicking one boot against the pavement.

Olivia nodded, then stopped him. "How was she, Frank? Really? While I was gone? She was amazing, wasn't she?"

He turned. "Natalia?" He laughed lightly. "Stronger than any of us, that's for sure. Even before you... left to get help. I'd see her in the mornings, dropping Emma off at school. Running errands, whatever. She'd always beat me to a wave, and she'd always be smiling." Olivia expected to see some of that unrequited love in his expression, but what she saw was only genuine admiration. "Maybe there's something to that god business after all?"

It was Olivia's turn to laugh. "Emma seems to think so."

They shared a beat of silent understanding before Frank turned once again. "You take care, Olivia."

Olivia looked to the sky, to the clouds that had begun to roll in after a sunny morning. It was hot and muggy and already felt like rain, even if the drops hadn't fallen yet. She was about to hop back into the air-conditioned car when she saw Natalia heading towards her, a bouquet of white and purple flowers in her hands.

"Sorry," she sounded out of breath. "Long lines in there!" She swept her hair back with the back of her hand and look quizzically at Olivia. "Everything alright?"

Olivia let her eyes wander up and down the length of her wife's body. Not lasciviously, but with a look that she hoped came across as reverent and loving.

"What is it?" Natalia tried again.

"Nothing," she shook her head and crooked a smile. Around the other side of the car, she opened the passenger door for Natalia. "Let's go see our daughter."

Tags: guiding light

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